Decision

I started my syllabus without much thought.
Now when I doing research about the related courses, I start to feel panic as it doesn't seems to be what I interested in.
I decided to wait you quietly as I promised you.
But then, the pain in my heart still can't fade.
My underweight condition continue goes on,
Now, everyone that seen me also told me that I gotten much skinnier.
Perhaps, I really slim down a lot.

My parents recommended me to look for a counsellor.
But I don't want to, I'm scare that the counsellor find out about my negative side.
May be my parents are right, I really have some mental illness.

I really miss nana, I know he can't accompany me.
His side, has a more worthy girl for him and treat him much more better than me.
He has no reason to hurts her.

I'm crying again. After all, I'm a cry baby.

最后

当初，就应该坚持放下你
你如今的忽冷忽热，让我即喜即悲，
开始让我捉摸不定

我没有勇气拒绝我自己的真心，更没有力气再伤害自己
如果真的必不得已，这一次，我一定要狠下心，不再找你
即使我会再哭，再难过
总好过，希望越高，失望也越高，跌得更疼

我不是个体贴的人，我不懂得讨好别人
我只是个傻孩子，真心对待认为值得的一切
却以为，会得到相同的对待
多少次了？在你掏肺心思、死心塌地后
仍然一个人

我不知道你是否了解我，不过
你可知道？每一次找你，我鼓起了多少勇气？
我担心，你会不理睬，我难过，你选择的无视
到最后，我留了多少泪，谁可知道？
难道，你也看得到，现在正在打着这的我，在流泪？

你不是无情的人，却将我伤得最深
我要的，不是你的对不起
而是你的陪伴
我从来没有责怪过你。

可能，你会认为，我要你陪伴是因为我无聊，孤独，空虚
这些仅仅是我的无理取闹
你确否知道，我时时刻刻，都在检查注意，是否有你的消息
我并不是得空
而是，我依赖你，想念你

到最后，就算你无视了我，你并没有任何损失
我不知道你有没有在乎我
不过，你无视的当儿，我都在想，难道我又做错了什么？

现在，我要撤退了
我等你主动来找我，不过，我知道这可能性不高，
你的心有没有我，我不想再猜疑了
一切，都是我太愚蠢
真心以为，你对我，会像是我对你一样
在忙的你也好，如果你想念我，一定有办法凑出时间来找我
我的心很痛，也许，我只是消磨你时光的一个人，不是我也没关系

我累了，很累了。
我在等爱褪色，
到时候，我不再爱了
只希望，有个人愿意像我一样对待我
让真诚感动我，
到时候，是谁，我也无所谓了。

My hope

Is been several weeks. From this incident, I have learn that, my smile exist for you.
Had a fierce cry yesterday, after all, I was hiding these feeling all in my heart for quite long period.
A song lyrics describe me well, I'm missing you, but I lied to myself that I don't, and hide all these feeling deeply in my heart.

When I know, you willing to let me wait for you. I'm very happy :) u might not know, but I was waiting you since that day until now and so on.

Didn't had a well sleep last night, probably too happy.
While I'm waiting to sleep, it reminds me about all my thoughts these day.
I had wish for some stupid wishes like, if ghost do appear, and they wanted to take over someone's body, let it be me. So I can go and stay by your side queitly.

I'm unable to predict the future.
I don't know if we will progress fine ?
But all I know is, my love towards you, will not change :)

I will try and gain more weight, I'm in serious underweight condition now haha.
:) I will wait for you.

Life

My sick haven't fully recover yet :( 

But at least I doesn't looks so pale anymore.

Someone that knew about me and nana suggest me to let him be my new bf.

But I rejected.

Somehow, I still waiting for my nana.

What I wishing is, after few years, I might go and fulfil our promises all alone by myself,

by that time, I will be in his country for long period,

If he is still single and love me, we might able to get together again.

But still, this is just what I wish. Who knows, things always doesn't works as planned. 

Anyway, my cough recently has gotten serious,

It makes me unable to not worry that it might link to disease like cancer, 

I wonder, if I only have a few months of lifetime, 

Will you come back to me and accompany me till I die ? 

" Patient needs to be in happy condition. " This excuse I will use to ask you I guess ? haha

How long will I take to let go this relationship ? I don't know.

I feel so... complicated. I want to let go as I want you to have a bright new happy life, and as well as I can live on but not continue hesitate in the past which makes me depress now.

But, if I let go, it means that, I have left no feelings towards you anymore.

There will not be any love, any hate, any missing and wanted to depends on you.

Which is.. sounds too cruel for me.. 

I wonder, how's your life now.

Are you the same as me? Missing you so badly, or had you let go ?

If time reverse back, I will still choose to be with you. :)

Thank you for take caring me for a year.

Gone

Everything is different now.
I went college, and it is a busy life,
But the worst is, that my boyfriend and I broke up.

I don't know whether he will be watching my blog or whatever anymore,
but I just want to express my feeling now. Here is the best place,
no one knows me here, and I wont know who has seen it.

To be honest, it is really heartbreaking.
The day we broke, I cry for a whole day.
Although I try to look fine infront him, and I not sure that he knows about it or not, but I'm extremely pain in the heart.
Even now, I still experiencing the same pain.
What I wish is, he was just joking or so so.

I had insomnia now, and my mother said I looks ill.
My face looks pale, and I don't feel like eating.

The fact is, I still love you.
I really wanted to be with you together, but I don't want to ruin your new life.
All I do now is, lying to myself.

I try to convince myself that I am fine, but actually, what I do is lying to myself.
The more relieve is, your whatsapp is malfunctioning.
At least, I can still message u like before to cheat myself, I feel so stupid, yet I have no other idea or choices.

Am I wrong continue waiting you like now?
I don't know, I just know that everything I see now, remind me of you.
Everything I heard, remind me of you.
I haven't tell family about us, they still happily asking me why u haven't visit me.
I don't know when should I tell them, because I'm hoping that we will be back together.

Silly girl like me, how I wish I will lost my memory.
May accident or incident occurs in me, that will lead me to a pain that wakes me.
May accident or incident occurs in me, that makes me lost of every memory.
May sick or disease I having now can kill me, so that I can free from this sadness.

Feeling lost, miserable. How are you then ?